13 Sep

September 13th

Today…why is it that today seems so different than other years? Oh…but it isn’t! The memories of the previous September 13th anniversaries seem to fade or become less intense as the days go by, and then before I know it….September 13th is back. This is an anniversary I don’t want to “celebrate”, but I can’t not celebrate, or honor, or acknowledge this day. My heart and mind won’t allow me, and I am glad. I know that some people would think that is strange or weird, but it is actually good for me. It’s all about love, for my son, for his memory and legacy, and for the great loss we feel without him here. There will always be an empty chair at our table for Paul, if only in our hearts.
And so today I write and work a bit on my book. Today I will do all the “normal” day-to-day activities, all the while remembering and feeling pain. The memories come flooding back even when I don’t invite them in; and once again they remind me that they are permanent residents in my heart, and that is ok. I don’t want to ever forget the pain, for to forget would be to stop loving Paul.
Today sacred tears will well up in my eyes. Today we will deliver goodies to the two fire stations that answered the 911 calls and tried their best to give him a chance at life. Today I will think of those who flew the Nightingale medical helicopter to pick up our 18-year-old boy, whose brain was traumatized by the single car accident that ultimately cost Paul his life. Today I will cry and pray and feel pain and joy because we had Paul for 18 years and 10 months. Today I will begin the 12th “Week of Grace”.

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